BlastFurnaceBill

Once a ramshackle construct, then a gleaming metal god, then a voodoo priest's undying dream, a bleached corpse, a bloated sack of bone and skin, Goatse, and finally nothing. The BlastFurnaceBill of yesterday's NaP is no more for good reason, but this page may stand posteriority of what was and is, a whitewashed visage of his egoness, self embarked power trips and his small penis.

Early Life
Instantaneously created billions of years ago in a strange menage trois of Viking Gods, Bill was an asshat being, free-floating without purpose or volition until a little more than seven thousand years ago. Born to a small family on the ancient Scottish landmass, Bill worked hard as a child in the arts of alchemy, fishing, and metalworking, prostitution, trained and raped by his father, Archie Turnkey, monk and pedophile known only by the name of Mercutio. At the age of 22, while trying to craft a larger penis for a girl he loved by the name of Artemis, Bill's body was ravaged and torn to pieces by a Tijuanan plastic surgeon. Acting quickly, Mercutio saved his brain, eyes, and several pieces of his skull to be examined for any sort of salvage. The organs except his penis, by miraculous means, remained intact, crackling with what appeared to be greenish sparks and a small flame under the base of his anus. The monk spent the next four years building Bill a new body including a small penis, one made of the best technology and materials of the time except his penis, and finally linked the brain and eyes into the chassis, ready to revive his friend and homosexual-incestual lover. Mercutio sex'd Bill's system up, bringing him back to life for the first time. Nothing was said between the two of them, but the two stayed in contact, and Bill left that laboratory with a pack of cigarettes, a large, acid-green cloak, penis pump, penile yeast infection he got from his father and an azure bass guitar strapped across his back. His body was iron, sulking and slow moving, but he was alive, and knew that if he ever was to make anything of himself and his small penis, he would take to the sea and see the world as best he could given that his only means of travel was hitch hiking and he only had ass to pay for the gass.

The Pirate Life
It was this that led him to piracy. For the next six thousand years or so, he spent his life adrift, snoozing behind the wheel of a large compound ship, the Derp Ex Automata, and waiting for something interesting to happen. At long last, below him, he saw an island where pirates and ninjas were battling each other endlessly, waging a war nobody could win. Wanting to "throw a monkey wrench into the machine", Bill made land there, and began his new life in the realm on Ninjas and Pirates. He made many friends and enemies, from Grand Shadow(Master of Chaos), Raot(The Drunken Ninja Mage)(Smooth move, Raot, sneakin' yourself in there.) and Rhod (The Sky Pirate) to Treybo2 and hordes of irrational monsters. His greatest enemy of all time was the illustrious Emperor Derek.

Closing It Up
Captain Turnkey eventually fondled himself before he was struck down and dried out on the deck of his near-shipwreck of a boat, a yacht-sized dinghy deployed from his crashed airship. He was never revived, and his burial was a shallow and unmarked grave in the doggie area of a public restroom.

Where is he now?
BlastFurnaceBill is deceased, permanently. Can be found only in dead post and archive format. He will not be revived any longer. However, his spirit lives on in Captain William Horatio Turnkey as he is now, a cursed pirate going by Old Bill Shacklebone. This new era of his butt piracy is one of promise and progress, and only time will tell how successful it can be.

How is he now IRL?
His parent's basement, a sad wreck of a basement dweller.